What Is Narcissism?

If you are standing in the kitchen with glazed eyes and feeling discombobulated questioning "What's just happened?", you may have just had to deal with the subtle abuse called narcissistic abuse. If you are picking up the pieces of your soul that are shattered into a thousand pieces and you are wondering "What did I do to deserve this?" you may have been in a relationship with a narcissist.

The million-dollar question you keep asking a thousand times to make sense of what's going on in your life may be, "What is narcissism?" or "Is my partner a narcissist?"

I will do my best to lay it out for you.

The Narcissist's Prayer:

"That didn't happen.

And if it did, it wasn't that bad.

And if it was, that's not a big deal.

And if it is, that's not my fault.

And if it was, I didn't mean it.

And if I did, you deserved it."

- Author Unknown

If that's been your life with an intimate partner, a parent, a sibling, a work colleague, an adult child, or anyone else you knew closely, you have been in a narcissistically abusive relationship.

What is Narcissism?

"Narcissism falls on a spectrum, and most people fall somewhere on it. However, narcissistic abuse is related to people with very high narcissistic traits or Narcissistic Personality Disorder that employ the abuse tactics listed under Narcissistic abuse."

-Ingrid Clayton, PhD (Believing Me)

Narcissism is a spectrum. There are mild, moderate, and high level of narcissism. Narcissism is a personality type and it's NOT a disorder.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is NOT a spectrum. It's either you have or you don't situation. According to research, NPD is diagnosable but it's not curable.

My focus of this blog is on narcissism.

Narcissistic Abuse Tactics:

Since this is a spectrum, every narcissist is different in the way they abuse another. However, there are commonalities. They are, gaslighting, manipulation, rage, minimization, devaluing, love bombing, hoovering, and discarding, This is not an exhaustive list.

Narcissistic Traits:

The following are some common traits. Narcissists have some combination of the following traits.

• Feels superior to others
• Controlling and manipulative
• Need for excessive attention/admiration
• Entitlement
• Profoundly selfish
• Lacks a core sense of self
• Projects their shame on others
• Exploitative
• Arrogant
• Overestimates personal talents and achievements
• Lacks empathy

Do Narcissists Love Their Children?

Love has many meanings. Meaning and expression of love differ from culture to culture. My observation is that the majority of us in our society believe feeding, providing a roof over our children's heads, sending them to a fancy school, and pushing them for achievements is love. So, often narcissistic people refer to this basic care as "love". In that context, some narcissistic people are capable of basic care. Some are actively engaged in their children's lives by taking them on holiday, playing with them, and being fun parents. But, they are unable to emotionally attune to children. They are unable to see children as separate individuals. In the distorted brain of the narcissist, children are an extended version of them. This means that children do not have a chance to grow up to be their people with narcissistic people. To keep control, narcissists employ the same tactics that they use with their romantic partners with their children. Therefore, it's safe to say that narcissists are unable to and therefore unwilling to love their children. But, they sure put on a hell of a show for the world!

How Is Narcissism Abusive?

Narcissists communicate with a version of you that they have created in their heads. They don't see you or hear you. They are not interested if you are pretty, ugly, rich, poor, empathetic or unempathetic, educated or uneducated as long as they can get their supply from you. It is their constant need for supply that leaves the people in their lives feeling abused. This is a choice that they make. It is not an innocent mistake because they have had a bad day. They are fully aware that their behavior is inappropriate but they choose to continue with it anyway.

Narcissist's Abusive Behaviours:

• Give without expectations of receiving in return
• Listen without being heard
• Respect their boundaries while ignoring your own
• Agree and acquiesce without question
• Accept their distortions as facts
• support their belief that they are superior to you
• Endure condescension, belittlement, and rage without complaint
• Cater to their needs while sacrificing your own
• Serve their privilege over yours
• They want you to take responsibility for how they are hurting you

If this has been your experience, please remind yourself that you are not anybody's rehabilitation centre. You are not responsible for rescuing someone who is not willing to take any responsibility for their behaviour. Narcissists do not change. But, you can change your response.

If you have been affected by their abusive behaviour and you are looking for support, I am offering Gift Sessions and feel free to book one.

Nisanka.

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