This website use cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website
My Thoughts
on a
Few Things
(Hopefully, they will be a balm for your aching soul)
There are many questions that we tend to ask during a period of rumination before we dive into healing and during healing. I am doing my best to put some of those questions into perspective. The answers to these questions are a result of my personal experience, research, experience of working with clients and my training.
Was it even abuse?
This is one of the questions I have asked many times before I could radically accept that it was in fact abuse. Many people of narcissistic abuse are not left with physical bruises. The coercion is subtle. Narcissists use your vulnerabilities and insecurities that they know in general conversations to get what they want.
“Let me handle finances”
“This is all for our family”
“I am doing this because I love you/love family”
“I have done all these things for you and you can’t even do one little thing for me?”
None of the above sounds like coercive or abusive statements. The actions sound like team work. But, usually those things are said and actions are taken in a context where your reality is denied, your choices are manipulated, you are gaslighted to believe that you are not good enough and so on and so forth. Over a period of time, you are left to carry the heavy weight of the relationship, forget about you and your self worth in order to serve the narcissist and in the process you are abused; emotionally, financially, sexually, and physically.
Was abuse intentional?
Establishing whether the narcissist intended the abuse or not is going to be an impossible task. There are no reflective questions that would make the narcissist elicit their intentions. Narcissists do not believe that they are doing anything wrong. They do not have the insight or the self reflective skills to analyse that their behaviour has an impact on others. Therefore, they project blame onto others and avoid taking any responsibility for their own behaviour. They may use the sentence, “I didn’t mean it” to gaslight the victims.
Therefore, I invite you to consider whether the intention matters to you at all? You have been subjected to abuse over a period of time. Does it matter whether it was intended or not? What difference does it make to you?
What’s wrong with me?
Often the questions we are left with is “What did I do to deserve this cruelty?” or “What’s wrong with me?”and the answer is “nothing”. On the contrary to the common beliefs that alcohol, mental health, stress cause people to lose control and cause abuse, it is paramount to notice that abuse is a choice. Abuse is never about losing control but it is about exerting control.
The above reasons may exacerbate abuse but they are not the reason why abusers cause abuse. The clue is that, usually the abusive behaviour takes place behind closed doors when others are not watching. Research shows that this is because they are aware of their actions and the consequences and they do not want to be exposed.
Narcissistic abuse is not your fault.
There’s nothing you could have done differently that would have changed the behaviour of the narcissist.Narcissistic people are deeply wounded children in adult’s bodies. And, they would protect that wounded child at any cost. Narcissist’s lack of empathy, lack of self reflection, sense of grandiosity and entitlement leave the people who are close to them traumatised.
How did I end up here?
One of the questions you often ask during the period of rumination is, “How did I end up here?”. The answer is never a simple one. But, I can start by sharing that you chose to love, trust and be in a relationship with someone. And the narcissist chose to lie and manipulate you to believe that they love and trust you. It is difficult for a healthy human being to find a reference point to the cruel behaviour we experience in a narcissistic relationship.
This is called cognitive dissonance. It is so far outside our lived reality and character to be so cruel to another human being. Have compassion for yourself for being in this situation.
Instead of looking for answers externally, my invitation is for you to look within. Connect with your inner world and begin your healing from within.
Remember, just because we were stuck in a cycle of abuse doesn’t mean that we can’t break free. And it starts with connecting to our inner world.
Who will believe my story?
Your experience is not going to be validated by everyone. That’s guaranteed because your garden variety human being can’t comprehend narcissistic behaviour.. However, it doesn’t make your experience less believable.
We cannot walk on this planet expecting everyone to validate our experience. Connect with people who really care about you, professionals who understand narcissism and narcissistic abuse.
In a narcissistic relationship, you experience chronic invalidation of your needs, feelings, emotions and experiences. So, it’s vital that you have your experiences validated; yet, it must be done with people who genuinely want to be present with us.
Over time, your need to have your experience validated by others subsides and your own ability to accept your reality without self doubt and self gaslighting evolves.
How can you best protect your children?
Deepest love we can show our children is to work on ourselves so that we don’t pass generational traumas to them.
Often, our own experience with the narcissist and the new found information about the person’s behavioural pattern may shock our system to the core. A new level of fear may engulf us and our actions may be governed by the thought “How do I protect my children from the cruelties of the other parent?”. Let these moments of panic not distract us from doing the thing that would actually protect our children from the narcissist’s harm.
We are our children’s sanctuary; a place where they can come to rest, relax, reflect on who they are, feel free to explore their very essence. We cannot create this sanctuary on a bed of land mines.
Our own buried past, patterns, beliefs, traumas and conditioned programmes lie underneath waiting to explode. Our responsibility as parents is to become aware of the map of our own minefield.
My suggestion is not to reject the parts of us that we adapted to survive our own lives. My invitation is to become aware of the map and learn to navigate it with your children together. Show our children that our human experience is all about trusting our own ability to navigate obstacles along the way. We don’t have to abandon the land mine, instead we learn to excavate and safely diffuse what’s underneath. When we do that as parents, we leave a safe sanctuary for our children.
Will I ever overcome grief?
I hold grief like a cuddly bear close to my heart and I keep loving it. Accepting that we are hurt is fundamental in healing and moving forward. Grief may resurface from time to time and knowing what we feel is grief allows us to stay grounded. Special occasions like our children’s birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day or Father’s Day may be painful for a long period of time. No amount of meaningless sex, alcohol, dating, scrolling down the phone or compulsive buying will bury our grief. Our ability to acknowledge that those moments hurt enable us to be intimate with our grief. Keep loving it. Turn grief into something meaningful and creative.
As the survivors of narcissistic abuse, we are aware of the type of grief we experience. Instead of grieving a person we loved and lost where we have beautiful memories and connections to cherish, we grieve a person who is still alive tormenting us using children we brought into this world together. We grieve the death of our own souls, childhoods we never had, opportunities we never took, the nest we built in the blustery wind, the decision to bring children into this world and we grieve every breath we take in isolation. So, loving that grief is the best we can do to liberate ourselves from the hurt.
Will I ever feel normal again?
Yes, you will. In fact, there’s tremendous growth after narcissistic abuse. I don’t want to claim that it is a blessing that any of us are going through this experience. However, you can turn your adversity into a blessing with the power of actions and healing.
Narcissistic abuse recovery has many strands to carefully untangle. You may feel like you are going back to square one during some stages of this process. But, that’s normal.
Stages of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
Stage 1: Shock
Stage 2: Denial
Stage 3: Rock Bottom
Stage 4: Discovery
Stage 5: Knowledge
Stage 6: Radical Acceptance
Stage 7: Deep Dive into Healing
Stage 8: Relapses
Stage 9: Post Traumatic Growth
The process of reaching post traumatic growth is not linear. There may be more than one relapse along the way. Unlike in a situation where you can go no contact and focus on your healing, co-parenting doesn't allow you to do that. Therefore, it is common to experience relapses caused by acute triggers.
Have compassion.
Be kind to yourself.
Commit to small actions everyday.
You have got this gorgeous.
Sending you lots of love and courage.
