10 Ways You Can Get Your Life Back After Narcissistic Abuse

First, I will share a poem I wrote from a while ago when I was deep in grief and rumination. Do you resonate? 

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I was in Tango with me and my loneliness

Torrent of tears streaming down the cheeks,

Too much pain trapped in a swirling sigh!

Emptiness reigned in the kingdom of sorrow.

I was in a Tango with me and my loneliness.

Happiness is a mirage deceiving me in the desert,

I felt it was me who lost the direction to the oasis.

Lost in a cave with no light in sight,

I was too numb to realize that my soul had evanesced.

Doves never came to collect my letter.

The pen never had ink in its cylinder!

The mind never gathered the thoughts in order.

How did I get here often I wondered?

Nisanka

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If you resonated with the sentiment of that poem, you are a narcissistic abuse survivor. I need no evidence. I don't need to hear your full story. If you resonate with that feeling I am trying to illustrate, I know you have been through this. 

Grief and rumination is crippling after narcissistic abuse. It feels like you have just been hit by a train. But, I want to give you hope. You can regain your life and begin feeling joy and love again.

So, I am sharing a few ideas on how to get your life back.

1 ) Educate Yourself on Narcissism:

This will help you put things into perspective. Two things happen when you learn patterns of narcissistic abuse. One, you begin to separate yourself from what the narcissistic person did/is doing to you. Second, it enables you to reflect on your patterns and beliefs and change them. Narcissistic people have made you believe that their abusive patterns are yours. They say things like "You made me angry", "I cheated because you don't love me", and "You don't know how to manage money, that's why I am managing it for you!". This list is long. So, when you know how the patterns of abuse, you can begin to see through their lies, manipulation, and gaslighting. This process is crucial to begin to heal. 

2) Decide What You Want For Yourself:

You have lived a life in service of someone else. You may have completely forgotten your likes, dislikes, wants, and needs. Sit down in a quiet place and, make a list of things that make you, you. Now decide the kind of life you want for yourself. This may be a challenging task since your nervous system is fried up and you are living on survival. A coach or a therapist can help you do this. But, without this step, the rest of the steps are challenging. 

3) Prioritize self-care:

I cannot emphasize this enough! Please allow plenty of time for rest. Sleep whenever you have time. It's ok that your children watch a little bit of TV. If you can, hire someone to help you. Order a takeaway. Say no to events that exhaust you. Cut down stimulation like loud music. Drive without music in the car. Pick whatever you consider yourself to be a self-care routine and do it. Imagine a plant that dried up in the drought. It won't perk up after the first rain. But, after a couple of days or weeks, you will see it coming back to life. 

4) Validate yourself:

The cruelty you are experiencing or have experienced is real. It doesn't matter whether other people believe it or not. People who have been through narcissistic abuse will get you. Professionals who have been through this experience will work better with you. You can write about your experience and validate yourself. Validating is an important step in your journey. 

5) Learn to detach yourself from their behaviour:

Narcissists have been studying you for the entire time they were with you. They know which button to push to get a reaction out of you. Learn to notice when this happens. Detach yourself from their accusations, lies, and manipulations. Don't personalize. Don't engage. Don't defend. And, don't explain. 

Detaching yourself takes practice, skills, and a regulated nervous system. That's why seeking professional help is important.

6) Do things that you love:

We must show up in our lives and show our children that we still have a life despite what's happened to us. Instead of trying to tell your children that the other parent is lying about you, show your children that you are not the person they claim you to be. (My intention is not to pretend, but to show up as yourself). 

So, put music on and dance, go for a walk, cook, read, go out with a friend, write a book, play tennis or any sport you like. Learn to live your life. Make a bucket list and start with simple things. Carry on living your life.

7) Set Boundaries:

Boundaries are there to protect you. The narcissists in your life may not respect your boundaries. They may even react to boundaries aggressively. So, remember that the boundaries you set are for you and for you to know when and what to do to protect yourself. 

8) Learn new skills:

Communication with another person is a form of art. There are many non-violent communication methods that we can learn to communicate effectively with others. However, when it comes to communicating with a narcissist, we must learn new skills. Learn assertive communication. Learn what works for the type of narcissist that you are dealing with. Learn how to have difficult conversations with your children. You need armour to win a war, not just a battle. 

9) Have a supportive network:

I cannot begin to tell you how important this is. Surround yourself with people who will support you no matter what. I am aware that this might not be possible for everyone, especially if your family is dysfunctional. However, there's hope for you too. My support network didn't involve my family. It involved people I met online, business colleagues, mentors I have worked with, and friends I filtered into my life.  You can consciously choose friends and communities who are healthy and supportive of you. Who is your vibe tribe?

10) Get professional help:

We cannot rationalise our way out of trauma. Our nervous system must feel safe and for that to happen, it's important that we release trauma trapped in our bodies. Any professional who incorporates a somatic/embodiment approach will be able to help you. I use EFT, Matrix, Heart Math, and NLP as somatic tools in addition to my Coaching. 

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