3 Stages Of A Narcissistic Relationship.

Do you remember the days when you were pursued? There were plenty of romantic moments, expensive gifts, and weekend getaways and you felt like you were on top of the world. That's not necessarily everyone's experience. Some of you were drawn into a sob story. Some of you were told stories that melted your heart and you just wanted to be there to help them. You thought you were sent on this planet to save this person from misery. You believed that you had enough love in your heart to make them feel better. 

But, after a while, the story changed. There are no more romantic getaways and you wonder what you have done wrong. You are now getting tired of the sob stories. You feel like you are carrying the world on your shoulder and, you let yourself go.  You no longer know who you are or what your needs are. 

You begin to question, "How did I get here?"

Feeling ashamed, confused, depressed, and angry, you seek answers. 

But, the bus had already left the station. You are deeply invested in the relationship. There are children, properties, families, and all the rest. How can you let it go? 

Your biggest question now is, "Am I the problem?"

If that's familiar, you may have been in a relationship with a narcissist. 

You have been targeted and groomed into being their narcissistic supply. 

And, it all starts with building trust. 

After all, who would go on a second date with someone if they slapped you and stole your credit card on the first date?

Stage 01 - Love bombing

During this stage, you will feel euphoric. Because, the narcissist will shower you with gifts, compliments, expensive holidays, and their time. You are going to feel like you have won the lottery! They tell you they love you before you have a chance to blink. They seem genuine, and interested in you.  What a charm that they have so much in common with you. 

This is called love bombing! 

It's all a lie. It's a trap. And, it's a manipulative tactic. 

It's a grooming process. 

Have compassion for being trapped. 

Narcissistic people don't target a particular type of person. They groom anyone that they can to get their supply. And, they will work hard at it. 

Our beliefs about ourselves play a role here. If your subconscious core beliefs are negative, the love bombing stage may feel even more intense. 

If you have not experienced healthy relationships in your lives and you are scared of putting boundaries in place, this stage may feel like a fairy tale for you. 

Examine your patterns and beliefs without blaming yourself. Healthy human beings do not exploit your vulnerabilities. Abusive people do. 

Have compassion. 

Stage 02 - Devalue Stage

At this stage, nothing you do is ever good enough for the abuser. 

The love-bombing stage ends when the narcissistic person is aware that you are committed.

Without your understanding, they have been testing you during the love-bombing stage. 

Do you remember them turning up late to the dates and begging your forgiveness? And, being the empathetic and flexible person you are, you were able to laugh it off. 

If you were dealing with a vulnerable narcissist, they may have broken down in tears to test your capacity for empathy. You may have comforted them, tried to help them out, and sat with them until they felt better. 

If you remember any of those events, it's possible that they have been testing you and they are certain that you would be willing to provide at least two of the things they constantly want from you; sex, service, security, and supply (narcissistic supply).

Then, the devaluing begins. It could be weeks, months or even a year before this stage begins. 

• They will ignore your needs. 
• They will guilt trip you.
• They will constantly criticize you. From the things you wear to the air you breathe becomes a point of their criticism. 
• They will minimize you.
• You will experience gaslighting. 
• They refuse to be held accountable. 
• They constantly move the goalpost.
• They lie, manipulate, and get angry if they are held accountable. 

And, whilst this is happening, you are trying to figure out "what am I doing wrong?". Because you remember the love bubble and you are looking for it. 

You are simply being a human being who seeks connection; a connection that you remember experiencing with this person. 

This phase is subtle. There are good days amongst bad days. This creates an intermittent reinforcement system in your brain. 

Intermittent reinforcement is when a receiving party receives abusive, unempathetic, callous, and cruel treatment from an abusive individual or a collective like an institute or a government. And then, every once in a while, there's a display of extreme affection. 

This creates a trauma-bonded cycle which is harder to break. This creates confusion in the receiver's brain and body. 

How do you make sense when you keep receiving hot and cold behaviour from the person you believe you are in love with or from a parent/sibling? 

You begin to believe that the person who causes pain and cruelty to you is the person who holds the keys to your happiness. 

There's positive and negative reinforcement at play here. 

When your behaviour causes pain to you because abusive people will punish you and hurt you, you begin to do less of these behaviours. This is how you begin to silence your needs. This is how you begin to stop holding them accountable. This is how you end up giving up things are capable of doing. 

You will be shown affection when you behave in a way that the narcissists want you to. For example, if you lie for them if you have sex with them whenever they want it etc. 

Intermittent reinforcement is cruel. Because it causes your body to go between cortisol and dopamine and you begin to long for the reward. The abuser decides whether to delay the reward or not. 

Over time, you become immune to their abuse. 

The victim becomes exhausted and slowly but surely, they give up who they are just to survive.

Stage 3:- Discard Stage.

When the abuser begins to devalue you, they have already started to discard you in their mind. 

At this stage, for the narcissist, you are almost non-existent. They do not have to make any effort because they have made you believe that you are the problem. By this point, you are probably anxious, depressed, chronically ill and you have lost your zest for life. The narcissist will make you feel bad for having these mental and physical health problems.

But, he has to keep you around. He needs to have your availability. He needs his supply and he needs you to be available to provide that supply. So, they will give you the impression that you are not discarded. This is why leaving a narcissist is almost impossible. 

You are discombobulated. 

It's not about you. It's about the abuser. 

The narcissist is absent in every possible way. 

At this point, you will notice the following behaviours.

• They undermine and ignore you.
• They sabotage you.
•  They reject your offers and suggestions.
• They avoid contact.
• They withdraw.
• They may cheat on you.
• They may leave but will make you take responsibility for it. 
• They will treat you so badly that you leave but they will make it so difficult for you to leave. 

The list goes on. 

You are now living in constant grief, fear and self-doubt. You have possibly given up your careers. Your finances are probably being controlled by the narcissist. You share children. You are worried about co-parenting with them. You are worried about separation and ruining your children's lives. 

There are more problems in your life than you can face alone. But, the narcissists have isolated you or recruited your friends and family to make you question your reality. 

That's why thousands, if not millions of people struggle.

I would like to leave you with some HOPE. 

There's enormous personal growth awaiting you once you decide to live life for yourself. Whether you stay or leave, you can make your situation work for you. 

Post-traumatic growth is incredible! It enables you to live a life that is true to yourself and your children are going to watch you grow.

My invitation for you is to spread your wings and fly. It may be difficult at first, but I promise you that the freedom and the sense of liberation you experience is worth the effort!

Nisanka.

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