Challenges of Co-Parenting With A Narcissist

You have a better chance of bumping into a unicorn that farts rainbows than finding a narcissist who can co-parent.

Co-parenting conflicts can occur even between a healthy couple going through a divorce. Divorces and separations make us extremely vulnerable and, we don't often connect with our best selves during such tumultuous periods. It's stressful for both parents and it could create conflicts.

But, what you will experience with a narcissistic person is intensified abuse. This stage is called post-separation abuse. Their main weapon to continue your control is your children.

Let's understand what happens to a narcissistic person during a separation period to understand co-parenting struggles. Once, you have decided to leave the narcissistic person it stirs up their abandonment wounds.

Narcissistic people live in fear of being abandoned. They have the habit of rejecting you before they get rejected and some of their cruel behavior stems from that (It may be way too simple to put it that way but for the sake of keeping this blog short, I have simplified it)

When you leave, they go through a process called splitting. This is a process where they view the separation as an attack on them. This process can happen in their brain even if they have left you.

Splitting is a process where narcissistic people categorize people as either "good" or "bad". It's a black-and-white way of processing life incidents. It's a defense mechanism. During this period, narcissistic people may temporarily show signs of Psychopathy.

When a person who lives in a victim mindset, who is dysregulated, vindictive, entitled, and angry is going through a process of losing their main source of narcissistic supply (golden level supply) it is not a manageable situation for them at all.

They are unable to and, therefore, unwilling to co-parent. The more they focus on the conflicts, the better they hide their inability and blame everyone else for the conflict. They will do whatever it takes to keep the curtain up so their inabilities are not exposed.

Instead of mutually agreeing to co-parent, they will engage in counter-parenting.

Different Ways The Narcissist Counter-parent:

Use children as a mode of communication
Share conflicts and unnecessary information with children
Act as if they are the victim to gain loyalty from children
Lie to children to gain their trust
Break childcare arrangements
Refusing to share any costs relating to children
Maliciously fracture the relationship between the solid parent and children
Isolate children from support
Children and you will experience gaslighting
Lie to your common friends and family about you and isolate you from your community
Disagree with every parental decision you have made

If you are dealing with someone with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), it is important to recognize that their reality is damaged beyond repair. Nothing you do will help them truly reflect on their behaviour and change them. If you are dealing with someone who is showing narcissistic traits because they are in the narcissism spectrum, there may be some changes in them.

If you are new to the news about narcissism and you want to read more, please read this blog on What Is Narcissism.

It is not an invitation to crawl back into your skin and hide feeling helpless. There are ways to manage their behaviour and, bring reasonable wins for you. Having said that, it is important to notice that there's no justice in this process. Let that hope go.

What Abuse Tactics Do Narcissists Use When Co-Parenting?

If you try to protect your children from abuse from them, they will accuse you of alienation.
They may engage in neglectful and abusive parenting to gain compliance from children.
They are likely to spread lies about you with family and friends and isolate you and your children to gain control over you.
They may harass you, stalk you, abuse you financially (i.e. revenge debt), use the legal systems to abuse you, and continue coercive control

Without any doubt, this is one of the hardest jobs you will ever do in your life. And, most of the time you are left to do this on your own. Some of you may be fortunate enough to be supported by family and friends but some of you are completely isolated.

External Challenges:

A narcissistic person's behaviour is not the only obstacle to managing this situation. There are external challenges too.

Lack of understanding of narcissism and their behaviour in the legal system.
Putting parent's legal rights over children's rights for safety.
Lack of understanding among the professionals who make vital decisions regarding children and the protective parents during the court process.
Child abuse (or abuse in general) is seen only through the lens of a violent model and therefore subtle abuse perpetrated by narcissistic parents goes unacknowledged.
Lack of government policies to protect the protective parent.
Far too many loopholes in the legal framework the abusers can and will exploit to gain control over the protective parents.
Lack of support toward abuse survivors which keeps them stuck in financially difficult situations.
Social stigma towards people who come forward with their experience.
Often the abused (victim) gets questioned and pathologized instead of the abuser being questioned and held accountable.

Your knowledge and expertise in gathering evidence and presenting it will enable you to challenge some of those loopholes in our systems.

Don't ever think that you are helpless and you won't be able to do anything. That's not a helpful narrative.

Some of my clients have had positive experiences and have had excellent outcomes through the court process.

As much as I want to highlight the external challenges, I wouldn't be doing you any favour by not highlighting your internal challenges.

Be self-reflecting when you read the below section instead of self-blaming.

Internal Challenges When Co-Parenting With A Narcissist.

Not having a detailed parenting plan: A detailed parenting plan enables emotional detachment and disengagement. It puts you on the offensive front rather than the defensive back foot.
Hanging onto the hope of co-parenting: When you are a healthy adult and a solid parent who puts children's needs first, it is difficult to believe that the other parent is not willing or able to do the same. Thinking that time will magically fix is not a helpful hope either.
Fear: Fear may be irrational but you have experienced and therefore have evidence of how the narcissist can make your life a living hell. So, it's natural to feel this fear. This is one of the areas that will take longer to process. At first, you may need help managing this fear. But, your longer-term goal must be to release this fear. Professional help is a must.
Compulsion: "I want my children to have their mother/father in their lives", "Family is so important to me", "I want my child to love the other parent". Although these statements look like they come from your value system, on a deeper investigation you may realise this is how you deny your reality. You will find reasons to be in the narcissist's lives even if that means engaging in co-parenting battles. Your subconscious refuses to disengage which makes boundaries harder. Investigate these denials with a professional.
Seeking approval: A narcissistic parent will NOT ever step up to be a positive and good parent. They may provide basic care to avoid being exposed as a bad parent. They will not see your effort as being a solid parent either. They have never seen you as an individual and they will never see your children as an individual. So, stop seeking their approval.
Trauma bond: Abusers create a cycle of an intermittent rewarding system that keeps us addicted to the abuser. Even when we have left and rationally see the abuse that's going on, we are unable to break free from their spell. We tend to believe that this is the love or respect we feel towards the mother/father of our children. Remember, the abuser is NOT attached to the abused. This means that only you are feeling the attachment to the abuser because of the intermittent reward system. This is one of the reasons why grey rocking as a communication tool is harder for you. You are unable to break it without professional help.
Fear of social stigma: Being a protective parent requires a great deal of sacrifices on our part. However, it only leads us to better and more loving experiences. We fear boundaries, doing what's best for us for the fear of being stigmatised as bad people. You need professional help to see the woods for its trees. Because you are too close to it.
Believing in every social media post: It's liberating to feel validated. I know. I have been there myself. But, to bury your head in content about narcissism will do more damage than healing. If you already know the patterns of abuse, make a decision about your next action and disengage with content. If you find it difficult to disengage, at least limit it.

Indigenous people believe that a child brings hope and purpose to the people in the community. That's how much a child is respected and loved in those cultures.

It's time that we all remind ourselves, our children are not here to fix our wounds. We have a responsibility to heal ourselves so that our children don't have to carry the burdens of our wounds.

Sending Love

Nisanka

p.s.

I am running a FREE workshop on "Co-parenting With A Narcissist 101". Please register here if it's relevant.

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