Grief In Narcissistic Relationships And How To Process It

Christmas is approaching. I am going to share something that might put things into perspective for you.

You may be triggered. Take a deep breath. Do EFT tapping. Have a hot cup of tea. Please look after yourself.

"Accepting the demise of the shared fantasy is one of the most traumatic imaginable human experiences" - Prof. Sam Vaknin

I can write an entire book on this title of grief. That's how deep the subject is.

I still carry this grief. It surfaces a lot during Christmas when everyone talks about family. I feel lonely during Christmas period more than any other time of the year.

This is not because I don't know what to do or I don't have loving people in my life. It's simply because grief in narcissistic relationships is like no other type of grief. It's unique in the way we experience it.

Grief of narcissistic abuse is recognized as a psychological phenomenon and it's considered to be long-term.

This long-term grief is different from losing a loved one including losing one's child.

There's a reason for that.

Let's understand some basic principles of this grief.

A relationship with a narcissistic person is different from any other type of relationship and therefore break up is equally different from any other type of relationship.

As an intimate partner you internalize the narcissist's view of you.

"You are lazy"

"You are crazy"

"You are not committed enough to the relationship"

"I have never met anyone like you in my life"

"You are my soul mate"

"You are a terrible mother/father"

It's not all negative. You may have internalized idealized version as well as the most negative version of you. This is because the narcissistic person see the world through a black and white lens. It's either all good or all bad.

Let's look at different types of grief that you may be experiencing:-

- Having a child with a narcissist

- Watching children experience trauma and pain

- not belonging to a family of trust and love

- losing years of your life to a shared fantasy

- ambiguous loss - what you shared with the narcissist is a shared fantasy. It's not real. When you grieve that shared fantasy, your grief feels ambiguous. 

- losing your idealized self - you have fallen in love with the idealized version of yourself that the narcissist has created. This is not reality.

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