Possible Traps Of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coaching.
Narcissistic abuse recovery coaching itself has become manipulative and confusing. People need help but we must do everything we can do ensure that we respect informed consent, their boundaries and their wellbeing.
People are confused, doubtful and vulnerable when they have already been victimized by abuse. As coaches, we have a duty of care towards those who are vulnerable to protect them. This blog looks at some traps and webs that I see online around narcissistic abuse recovery coaching.
And to ensure transparency, I myself have done some of the mistakes that I highlight below. I am not angelic. I am human. I believe the majority of people are doing the best to help others through their own adversities.
However, my responsibility is to ensure that I share my observations so that people who engage with my content can make their choices from an informed place. You may work with me or you may decide I am not a good fit for you. Nevertheless, I aim to remain transparent.
When I first discovered Dr. Ramani's content about narcissism my entire life began to make sense. I bought her books. I looked at the reference list of the book. I bought more books. Then, my social media feed was full of content about narcissistic abuse published by other coaches. I delved into that.
Before long, I was consuming content about narcissism all day long. I couldn't stop myself from doing it.
My life made sense, but my pain kept growing and so was my confusion.
It felt heavy, uncomfortable and I found myself feeling angry and annoyed at everyone around me.
And, then it dawned on me. I was self-soothing myself with content about narcissism.
I removed myself from all content. I stopped following people.
I focused on myself.
I deep dived into healing from trauma and bringing playfulness into my life.
After a year, my need to delve into content on narcissism disappeared.
My research as a coach became more intentional on finding accurate information.
I observed the following patterns.
1) Online content create a black and white narrative.
Abuse is always a choice of the perpetrator. I have experienced big traumas at the hand of people that I trusted such as physical abuse, neglect and sexual traumas etc. As a person who is going through such trauma without anyone to help you, it feels like that the abuser is a force of evil.
I hear you. I acknowledge you. I believe you.
There's nothing good about an abusive person, NOT even when they treat you well.
My point is not about justifying an abuser. My point is about people preying on your vulnerability.
Pay attention to the following language.
"Empaths attract narcissists" - This is a black and white narrative. Black and white narrative is a sign of narcissism. A narcissist only sees the world through a black and white lens.
"Narcissists are evil" - This gives an ambiguous force to a human being who should be held accountable for their intentional behaviour.
"Narcissists target and attack confident people" - Narcissistic people look for narcissistic supply from anyone who they can conveniently love bomb and recruit into their fantasy.
Such content may trigger loyalty in you towards the person who is sharing it. But, there's a danger in another person preying on your vulnerability by making you idealize them as the "rescuer".
If a coach or a therapist is showing up in your life as a "rescuer" that's someone who hasn't done their own work. They look for supply and validation for themselves. That's not a healthy and a professional relationship.
And for you, such subliminal programming may make you feel powerless, helpless and hopeless.
You are far from it. You have a powerful person in you. Your responsibility is to give life back to that power.
2) Psychological jargon has been butchered.
E.g. 1) - Narcissists gaslight you.
People with NPD don't gaslight. They recruit you into their fantasy. Psychopaths gaslight because they can maintain a reality. Narcissism and NPD two different things. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a pathology and Narcissism is not. One is a personality style(Narcissism) and the other is a diagnosable disorder (NPD).
I believe that the language we hear must make sense to us. We don't have to be a Psychologist to use psychological jargon. I don't agree with the dominance of conventional therapy either. Holistic and somatic approaches are a lot more powerful than conventional approaches such as CBT or Counselling.
Nevertheless, what we must not do is to change the meaning of Psychological jargon. Because, such jargon has a universal meaning and butchering it by adding our own meanings to it changes what the language aims to uncover. If we use it, we must ensure that all efforts is given to sustaining its original meaning.
3) It's made to look like recovery is an individual process.
I put the following map together to show you how many challenges you are going through in your day-to-day life to ensure you and your children are safe.
Recovery is a collective effort but when our system has collapsed, we are retraumatised in it. We spend a long time trying to figure out how to get out of a coercive system. We leave a coercive relationship looking for safety only to get trapped in a coercive system. Where we look for safety, doesn't offer safety to us.
Unless you have a supportive family, money to spend on therapy and a community that believes in you, this journey takes more effort and energy than it needs to.
You have been victimized by an abuser at the individual level. There are personal traumas to heal from. You have been failed by a system at the institutional level. These are collective traumas to heal from too.
Such traumas can be addressed more in a healthy and a supportive community. A coaching programme itself is not going to resolve all of those traumas.
Connect with healthy environments. Ask help from people who believe you. Sign up for a facilitation group if there's a professional facilitating them. (Some forums foster helplessness and I wouldn't recommend that). Reach out to new friends even if it's scarier. Go out and watch a movie on your own. Read this blog on 7 Resolutions To Keep Abusive People Away.
4) Narcissistic Abuse is misinterpreted and misrepresented.
If you are here, reading this blog, I do not doubt that you have been victimized by abuse. Please drill that into your head before you read the rest of the paragraph. Abuse is a choice of the perpetrator. Being abused can have a lasting impact on yourself and your children. Every abuse survivor must be believed and supported. That's my view.
When the term Narcissistic Abuse was originally coined by Professor Sam Vaknin in 1987, he used the term to differentiate the people who have been victimized by people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. However, it's being widely used to recognize people who have been abused by people who have cluster B personalities such as Psychopathy, Sadism, Borderline etc. Abuse caused by people with narcissistic tendencies has similar pattern to abused caused by Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Nevertheless, they are different in the way it impacts the individuals.
Abuse caused by Narcissistic people with NPD has distinctive features such as Prolonged Grief Disorder, C-PTSD, complete loss of self. Abuse caused by narcissistic personality styles may or may not have them.
5) Coaching is a future focussed approach and may not be suitable to those who have C-PTSD.
Coaching is a future focused approached. It's not therapeutic. coaching taps into your own strengths. It focuses on future goals and how to set SMART goals. Abuse survivors, particular narcissistic abuse survivors believe they are useless and not enough. This process is anxiety triggering for those who suffer from PTSD and C-PTSD and therefore it can be counter productive.
If you are just out of an abusive relationship, what you may need is time to rest, nurture yourself, sleep and community support to get yourself through an extremely difficult transition. A Coach who has an understanding of Safeguarding Children, Family Court System and Divorce may be able to help you to navigate transitions.
However, setting up future goals or deep diving into spiritual growth may not be suitable at this stage. It will be too much for your nervous system.
When you are ready to approach your healing, make sure that your coach or the therapist is equipped with somatic tools to help you recover from prolonged trauma. (I offer Coaching combined with somatic tools such as EFT, Matrix Reimprinting, NLP and currently training to be a Meta Conscious Practitioner)
6) Subtle shame around staying in abusive relationships.
Traumatic imprint in ourselves can run deep. It can be inter generational. It's not limited to the abusive relationship itself. Being in abusive relationships is a manifestation of our early childhood trauma.
Some cultures and countries don't have any safe passage for survivors to leave. My own country of origin; Sri Lanka still believes that the woman must tolerate all abuse to protect the family.
It is ignorant of anyone to think that leaving abusive relationships is an option available for everyone. Being in such relationships is sometimes the only safe option for some people.
If you feel shame for not leaving or not getting into therapy around someone's marketing campaign, pay attention to their choices of words. It could be a sign of manipulative marketing.
7) Healing from abusive relationships is complex and it takes time whether it's narcissistic or otherwise.
I don't know of a single modality that will offer a magic fix. So, be mindful of over promising, exaggerated marketing campaigns. Below is an example of manipulative and an exaggerated campaign to lure vulnerable people in to their programmes. You are hurting and you would do anything to make the pain go away. In a moment of vulnerability, you may cling on to false promises hoping for a quick fix.
There are no quick fixes to healing.
There are no magic pills.
No one can rescue you but yourself.
Pay attention to the overpromising, fantasy like, love-bombing language in the following advert. None of the promises given in the following advert is grounded in reality. I would go as far as to say, this is narcissistic love bombing! Irony is not lost in me for a narcissistic recovery coaching advert :)
I am going to ask a few questions from you to begin this journey.
1) What do you need right now?
2) Who can help you and validate you?
3) What are your priorities?
4) How ready are you to approach your healing? (Give a score from 0-10. If the score is more than 7, you may begin to search someone who can help)
Suggested resources:
Accurate and scientific information abut Narcissism and NPD:-
I recommend Professor Sam Vaknin's YouTube channel. His content is accurate, precise, validating, grounded in reality and empowering. His content is not going to trap you in a vortex of victimhood.
Navigating Family Court Challenges:-
If you want to have your experience validated and understand abusive patterns in your life:-
If you want to do a vibe test with me, please book a non obligatory Gift Session.
Whether you work with me or not, it's important to me that you get the right help you need without falling prey to another scam by a con artist.
If you have any questions about what I wrote, please reach out to me. I am open for your questions.
I send out weekly newsletters to my audience with tools and tips including EFT tapping videos and occasional offers. If you would like to receive, please sign up.
Thank you for subscribing!
Have a great day!
