Signs That Your Children Are Being Manipulated

How do I protect my children?

That's the most common worry prevalent amongst parents who are co-parenting with a narcissistic partner or ex.

There's good news.

You can spot the signs that the children are being manipulated.

You can do things to support your children. You can help your children to find their reality.

Why do narcissists manipulate their children?

Narcissistic people live in a permanent state of fantasy. They believe what they say and do is right. Their manipulation is a way to recruit their children into their fantasy.

e.g. A narcissist believes that you are a bad person for leaving him/her. Therefore, they will trash you to your children fracturing your relationship with your children.

The purpose of this process is for the narcissist to feel power and exert control over children. Narcissistic people instinctively weaponize children to gain power and control over you.

This is abusive behaviour. Children who go through this are facing child abuse although, it may not be often acknowledged.

But, you as the solid parent know this. And, that's why you often worry about your children and their well-being.

You are not crazy. You are being a loving parent.

What happens when children are manipulated:

Children feel confused
Children begin to doubt themselves
Your relationship with your children is being fractured
Children experience relational trauma
Children lose trust in themselves and the world
Children develop low self-esteem
Children develop hypersensitivity to criticism
Children develop anxiety, depression, and trust issues
Children may develop narcissism in themselves

What manipulative behaviors are common in a narcissistic co-parent?

Trashing you to your children
Lying about you to your children
They blame you for everything
They share information that's only meant for adults with children
They parentify children
Use children as a communication method
Hype up children about events before discussing them with you
Hype up children about things and never see them through (i.e. promising them a big holiday but never planning it)
Share the narcissist's sad stories and do it in a way that makes children feel responsible for the parent
Getting angry and blaming the children for it (e.i. "Look what you have done! You just made me angry")
Monitoring or blocking the conversation with the solid parent
Isolating children from their support
Disrupting a co-parent's visitation time with calls, asking for swaps, and turning up at your house unannounced

How do you recognize the signs of manipulation in your children?

Feeling agitated when they return from the narcissistic co-parent's house
Children refuse to spend time with you when they return to your house
Children accuse you of different things (i.e. they say things like, you are mean to mummy/daddy)
Children begin to complain about wanting to go back to the other parent
Children say things like you are not their real mum or dad
Children withdraw or act out aggressively at your home

Below are some other signs and expressions of trauma. Not every event of manipulation causes trauma, however being exposed to manipulation regularly over a prolonged period could cause "drip, drip trauma" or small T trauma.

How do you support your children?

Listen and validate your children
Be consistent when welcoming children home
Have a welcoming ritual that lights up your child/children
Regulate yourself before welcoming them so you can co-regulate with your children
Stick to the parental plan
Maintain respectful communication with the narcissistic co-parent
Document the changes of behaviour that you notice in your children and all the other breaches of childcare arrangements
Get professional help for children

How do you support yourself?

Don't personalize accusations
Take the power away from blackmailing by being honest to the court about past mistakes
Prioritize self-care
Use an app to communicate
Share childcare plan with a trusted relative or friends
Have a plan B, C, and a D in case the childcare arrangements fall through
Get professional support for you

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