The Three Most Important Elements Of Co-Parenting With A Narcissist Journey.
Let's agree on something we can both agree on.
It's impossible to co-parent with a narcissistic partner or ex.
If you are in the stage of accepting that there's no way you can co-parent with a narcissistic partner or ex, then you are probably trying to figure out how to navigate this journey.
If your children are young, you are probably feeling overwhelmed and fearful that this shit show is going to go on until your children turn 18.
If your children are a bit older and you have been secretly wishing their childhood away, you may be feeling grief and regret.
Either way, there's a catch-22 for you as an individual.
I am sharing three elements that you must pay attention to when co-parenting with a narcissistic partner or ex.
If you want to break free from the cycle of abuse, all three elements must be paid equal attention to.
Those three elements are,
1) Deepen your relationship with your children.
2) Heal from narcissistic abuse.
3) Create a parallel parenting strategy.
1) Deepen Your Relationship With Your Children:
The antidote to your children being manipulated, gaslighted, and used as a pawn to control you is your deeper relationship with your children. The narcissistic co-parent is not an emotionally mature and regulated individual. Once, their abandonment wound is triggered, their behaviour goes from bad to worse. This is due to a process called splitting where they experience temporary psychopathy.
Your pleas to focus on children will go to deaf ears. They simply do not have the capacity to see you or your children as separate individuals.
The challenge doesn't end here. You can read more about the challenges in this blog here.
By deepening your relationship with your children, you act as a solid parent whom your children can feel a secure attachment to. This enables them to help their development.
Read this blog on "How To Be An Emotionally Healthy Parent"
On the contrary to their experience with a healthy parent, your children will appease their narcissistic parents. As a result, they may develop people's pleasing and suppressing tendencies.
But, when you can create a haven for them at your home, your relationship will continue to grow and strengthen.
When your children know that they have a safe place to land, they will confidently advocate for themselves.
Signs That You Are Deepening Your Relationship With Your Children?
- Your children seek out emotional support from you.
- Your children don't feel scared to call your bullshit out.
- Your children feel comfortable about who they are around you.
- Your children don't comply with everything you say. They push back on you.
- Your children are not scared to make mistakes and experiment with their lives. They are fun, creative and curious with you.
- Your children don't drift away from you during their teen years. Although, they show signs of independence they seek you out for comfort and connection.
- Your children don't choose their peers over you. There are signs of growing independence but they won't lose the connection with you.
- It is natural to have disagreements and conflicts. However, they will show respect, empathy, and compassion towards you without feeling like it is their responsibility to be responsible for you.
- Your children may share about their lives with you.
- Your children feel confident and secure in themselves.
- Your children will achieve their potential. This may or may not include academic achievements.
2) Heal From Narcissistic Abuse:
You may be at different stages of figuring out what's going on?
Are you,
- in shock?
- in denial?
- feeling discombobulated?
- living in hope?
- feeling chronic self-doubt?
- burying your head in research about narcissism?
- in full acceptance?
- ready to deep dive into healing?
I have been doing this long enough to know that most of you, if not all of you want peace in your lives.
If you want to create peace in your life, you must make that a priority.
Healing is a non-negotiable aspect of creating that peace.
But, I know how difficult it is to decide to embark on a healing journey. There are so many things to consider.
As a parent, I assume that you would put your children's needs first before you would do anything for yourself.
Here's a perspective on that.
Our happiness is the most important factor in our children feeling secure and safe.
Peace and happiness come when you feel less painful and more present. To get there, you will need to get intimate with the pain you are running away from.
There are no shortcuts.
In other words, you must release trauma from your nervous system to feel fully present in your body. Until you release them, your body holds onto them. Your body is probably talking to you right now. Have you slowed down and listened to it yet?
Have you listened to your body telling you that the nervous system is on overdrive? The body talks to you through different symptoms such as tight shoulders, headaches, fatigue, brain fog, recklessness, digestive problems, depression, PTSD or in many other ways.
How do you know you are healing?
- You feel indifferent to the narcissist's power games.
- You feel secure in your internal boundaries and you are very clear in your communication with the narcissist.
- You no longer seek the narcissist's approval.
- You begin to enjoy things that you used to enjoy.
- You begin to feel more present instead of feeling grief and rumination.
- You begin to feel lighter and more peaceful.
_ Even when things go bad in your life, you don't begin to feel like it's your fault.
- You begin to feel confident in your own decisions.
- You begin to feel self-compassion towards you and you won't be scared to put yourself first.
- Your chronic physical signs such as fatigue, depression, headaches, shakes, rashes etc begin to alleviate.
- Your skin begins to look more bright and radiant.
- People begin to feel drawn to you. Your presence in a room becomes more noticeable. This is due to your energy getting into a higher frequency range.
- Your capacity for pleasure increases.
- You are a lot more present with your children. Your children will experience a lighter, more fun, and loving version of you.
The path to healing can be messy. But, don't you think it's worth it?
3) Create A Parallel Parenting Strategy That Works For You:
For a Co-parenting relationship to work, it's essential that both parents communicate respectively, agree on decisions mutually, focus on the children, and do what's best for the children. Since the narcissistic co-parent is unable to do this, your next best option is parallel parenting.
"Parallel parenting is to co-parent by means of disengaging from each other, and having limited direct contact, in situations where they have demonstrated that they are unable to communicate with each other in a respectful manner"
Where there are safeguarding breaches and your children are in immediate danger, your ONLY option is to go through the legal process to parallel parent.
To get the court to grant you decision-making power and parallel parenting rights, you will have to go through a process of proving that co-parenting is impossible. You must prove with evidence that your co-parent is engaging in abusive behaviour. You must prove to the court that the co-parent is making false allegations against you.
Whilst doing all of this, you must remain composed, show up grounded, and be respectful of all the professionals that you will have to work with. Those are lawyers, social services, guardians, CAFFCAS, and police (if necessary).
I know. It's a lot for an individual to handle.
I agree that there must be better policies and pathways for those who are leaving abusive partners. However, we must acknowledge that this may not change in our lifetimes.
So, this brings the responsibility back to you. It's not fair. I know. Nevertheless, you are the ones that your children will rely on. You are the solid parent.
Putting yourself through the court process is exhausting. Some of you may not choose to go down that root. That's absolutely fine.
If your choice is not to go through the court, I suggest that you prioritize healing from narcissistic abuse as soon as you can. When you don't have legal leverage to protect yourself, your best ammunition is your ability to feel indifferent to what the narcissist is saying or doing.
How do you know you are winning at parallel parenting?
- You have a detailed parenting plan drawn together and agreed upon.
- You have a plan B, C, and D to support you. The narcissistic co-parent is definitely going to break the agreements you have drawn together.
- You do not chop and change your plans to accommodate the narcissist's demands. You can do this when you feel indifferent to their reactions, punishments, and threats.
- Your internal boundaries are clear and you know what to do when they are pushed.
- You are skilled at knowing the signs of manipulation and you are not baited or hoovered into the narcissist's games.
- You can recognize when children are being manipulated and you can remain calm and support your children out of confusion without trashing the other parent.
- Your children know when they are being manipulated and they can disengage from that.
- Your children have strong core beliefs about themselves. They can advocate for themselves.
Final Note:
Your priority depends on what you are choosing for yourself. If you choose to go through the court process to get the decision-making decision power to you, your priority is on hiring a lawyer, getting evidence organized, and taking the narcissistic person to court.
You can focus on healing whilst you are in this process or you can begin the healing process once you have got to a strong place. However, you will need to choose professionals who are well-versed in coercive control and narcissistic abuse.
Whatever you choose to do, I want you to accept the harsh truths.
1) There's no divorce justice. Justice is going to come from your healing.
2) Your co-parent will NOT suddenly realize what they are losing out and apologize to you.
3) You will not get any closure. You get to decide on closure.
4) Both living in pain and healing are hard journeys. You get to pick your hard.
To complete this blog, I am going to ask you a simple question.
If you had the superpower to go back in time and push a button to undo everything that happened with the narcissistic person whom you had a child with, would you do that?
Just imagine for a moment that you had pressed the button and you have deleted every single negative and positive experience you have had with the narcissist in your life including your children. Would you still press that button?
It's hard, isn't it?
Radical acceptance itself brings so much peace to you.
My wish for you today is that you get to enjoy that peace you deserve.
Sending love.
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Have a great day!
